you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
