He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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