so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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