Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
