Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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