are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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