I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
