I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
