I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
