We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
