I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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