It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
