She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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