mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
