You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
