OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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