Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize