Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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