i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
