Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
