my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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