dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
