So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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