you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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