She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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