I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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