I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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