i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize