and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
