so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
