I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
