my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
People with herpes should wear stickers.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
