can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
