don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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