Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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