So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize