It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
