I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize