Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
