my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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