Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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