I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
