I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
