my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
