I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I need moral support for this bender
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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