There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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