I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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