i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
