Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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