He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
