mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
