I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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