and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
