I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
