Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
