So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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