When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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