watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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