You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
