first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just gargled with NyQuil
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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