Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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