the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
